My Week With Marilyn

I've been treating myself to movies more frequently. Most recently I watched My Week With Marilyn. Michelle Williams continues to mesmerize me with each new role she takes on. She could have easily been pigeonholed into characters like the beloved Jen she portrayed on Dawson's Creek, but Ms. Williams has emerged as one of the most gifted actresses of our generation. As Marilyn Monroe, she absolutely sizzles. The ensemble as a whole was magnificent with seasoned performers such as Judy Dench and Kenneth Branagh. This is performance driven piece where the story plays second fiddle. I found myself unable to take my eyes off Williams from her first wink. She is one who doesn't just rest on her gorgeous features, but she acts with everything she has. There were times that I couldn't stop staring at her eyes and the remarkable soul they displayed for someone so young. Williams, like Monroe, is no stranger to heartache, and she channeled that into a beautiful performance.

I Would Be a Great Soccer Mom

I should not be allowed to be around children when I am ovulating. It puts ideas in my head. It's funny because I was never one of those girls who wanted to be a mom since she was two. I was the opposite. I wanted to be a single, independent actress with no family or kids to keep me from pursuing my career. I thought babies were weird looking alien things that spewed and shit all the time. Ok, I still do kind of think that, but the little people have grown on me.
I remember taking Child Development in high school, still convinced I didn't want children. We had these flower sack babies. I named mine Christian River Phoenix Slater. The first night I brought him home, I left him on the table, and my dog ate a chunk out of his head. These are not the signs of a great parent in the making.
However, all of this started to change when a certain little girl came into my life. One day my brother picked me up after school with a surprise, a little, crazy looking baby. I think she was maybe almost a year old. From that moment on, she became an integral part of my life. Granted, it took awhile, but she stole my heart.
I remember the exact moment I fell in love with Bree. She was staying at our house while her mom had surjery, and she was sick. My mom had been up with her for several nights, and she was exhausted so I reluctantly volunteered to take a shift with the kid. I remember her sobbing because she was so miserable, and I really had no idea what to do. I just held her, rocked her, sang to her, things I had seen my mom do. She began to quiet in my arms, and at that moment I felt this form of love I had never experienced before, all contained in this tiny body.
That is when my journey into childcare began. I lived with Bree for several months when she was around three. We played school everyday, and I taught her how to write her name and the alphabet while we listened to the Beatles. Her smile and her laughter warmed even the coldest of nights.
She was the first of many children who have stolen their way into my heart. There is also Ian, love of my life. Anyone who has been around me for any length of time has been subjected to endless stories about Ian and his sister, Aida. I met Ian when he was six weeks old. He had a very large head and resembled Stewie from "The Family Guy." He was one of those fussy babies, and the other teachers in the classroom found him annoying. I found him irresistible. We became the best of friends, and four years later, I am still in his life. I have witnessed his first steps, first teeth, first words. His father affectionately refers to me as Ian's first girlfriend.
I could fill a book with stories of other children and their impact on my life. Who knows maybe someday I will. A few years ago, doctors told me that I will never be able to carry a child full term. I haven't fully tested out their theory, and I'm still not too keen on wrecking my hot little body in childbirth, but as much as I have tried to convince myself that I don't want kids, I can't lie. I want a couple dozen of various ages, sizes, colors. I've spent the last seven years helping raise other people's kids, and I know the downsides, but the upsides far outweigh any obstacles.
I know the world is overpopulated and people don't need to keep having babies, but I also know there have to be kids out there who are looking for a mom like me. Someday, when I am more financially stable, I am going to adopt. I've toyed with the idea of being a foster parent, but it was traumatic enough when I had to give up my foster kitten. In the mean time, I will settle for being Punk Rock Mary Poppins to as many children as possible.

It's a Shitstorm, and I've Forgotten My Umbrella

Every four to five years, my life falls apart. I'm not talking about some PMS or a few extra pounds of weight, but major life changes that hit me at once. This is one of those times. It's a shitstorm, and I have indeed forgotten my umbrella.
As I sit down to write this lovely blog I am currently unemployed,staying with friends because I have gotten kicked out of two houses, and recently the love of my life broke up with me. I have lost fifteen pounds and resemble a Midwest meth whore. My skin hasn't been this broken out since junior high.
My head right now is a carnival ride, one of those that makes you throw up. In a five minute period, I can go from being happy to wanting to slice people up and put their various body parts in ice cube trays.
I have been here before, this familiar territory I like to call Doubt City, where nothing makes sense but the fact that nothing makes sense. I know that in a few weeks, months, I will be out of this purgatory and on to new beginnings. Right now I am not sure how that is going to happen, but it will.
I have overcome a lot in my short life. Hindsight is everything, and I know that soon I will look back on all of this and see the life lessons the universe was trying to teach me. Right now I kind of just want to break shit, scream expletives at life, and sleep all day.

The Road to the Oscars is Long and Winding, and You Might Die Along the Way

I hate rejection, but I love acting. Sadly, the two often go hand in hand. Even if you are the most talented actor out there, like a Natalie Portman or a Brando, you will face rejection in your career. Rumor has it that Danny DeVito was rejected hundreds of times before he got a break, and I'm way hotter than him. Just saying.
Often it's not even your talent you are being judged on but a specific look the director has in mind, or even being connected to a certain person. Let's face it, there are many actors out there making a living who have the acting skills of one of my pubic hairs. I won't mention names, but their initials are... Just kidding! I don't want any lawsuits. There are so many factors that go into casting that the average film goer doesn't even begin to think about.
Even though at times, this has knocked me down and made me want to quit, I still keep trying because acting is what I was born to do. I have worked really hard, and I am always learning and growing, trying to perfect my craft. I watch movies and study actors I admire. Often times I am frustrated at how far people can get with so little skill based on how they look, but I understand. The general public likes to look at pretty people. There are the rare breed who possess both beauty and talent, and those are the ones I fear the most.
I will admit that there are roles I have cried over when I wasn't cast. Especially if I was led to believe I was a sure thing, but this business is like my ex boyfriend, scary and unpredictable. If you don't have balls of steel you will not make it, or you will become Charlie Sheen. I am a badass, and often this industry knocks me to the ground.
Too many people want their fifteen minutes. Lord knows some of their fifteen minutes should have been over years ago. They want the money, the magazine covers, the fame, but the true actor wants to create beautiful work and leave a legacy behind. I would consider myself in the latter category. I am not going to turn down money, but I have turned down numerous projects that were what I consider "camera phone toilet films" even though those projects won distribution and a small amount of fame for those involved. I would rather do two films that are works of art that I can show people than 500 blockbusters. Heath Ledger had a similar philosophy, and though his career was cut short, his legacy will live on with "The Dark Knight" and "Brokeback Mountain."
So you can have your Lindsay Lohans, Paris Hiltons, and all the other bimbos and skankettes out there. They may have more money than me, but they are also paying it out in legal fees, and Lohan looks older than me, and I've got a good ten years on her. So enjoy your fifteen minutes in the tabloids. I'll be crying all the way to the Oscars or even better the Independent Spirit Awards.

The Social Network

I have a love/hate relationship with the internet. It's convenient, and a great source of information, too much information. Sites like Facebook fish for information, and they share it. Rumor has it that FB is connected to the CIA. I wouldn't be that surprised. Information and photos you share become property of the site. No matter how you have chosen to set your Privacy. People are losing their jobs and facing lawsuits because of things they have posted on the internet. Why face your problems like a grown up when you can type one sentence and fuck with someone's life? In the film "The Social Network", which is mediocre, there is a great line about how something that is posted online is written in ink and can't be erased. I wish I could undo some of the things I've posted or emailed in anger or after a night of drinking. I also worry about who has access to my information. We have created a world without boundaries and privacy. People don't even have to work at stalking. All they have to do is log into FB and your phone will tell them where you are.

Popping My Burlesque Cherry

I am a huge fan of Burlesque. Ever since I saw a video of Dita Von Teese performing, I have been captivated by the art of seduction these performers exhibit. However, it's not something I ever thought I would participate in. I am not one of those obviously sexy women. I am huge nerd and total klutz, and I have never had any kind of dance training.
So when an actress friend of mine contacted me saying her Burlesque troupe needed more performers for an upcoming show, I surprisingly found myself saying yes without even thinking about it. I had toyed with the idea in my head of taking some classes with a local teacher just to increase my self confidence, and add to my skills as a performer, but I never imagined myself taking to the stage.
As soon as I agreed to the show, the forces of nature started working against me. I had one week to prepare, and no clue how to get from point A to B. I started watching Burlesque videos: Dita Von Teese, the Las Vegas based group, Babes in Sin, and Minnesota's own Sweet Lily Bee. That's when the self doubt kicked into high gear. I was light years away from these highly sensual and stunning performers, but I had agreed to do the show and wasn't going to back out at the last minute. I will admit that I did cross my fingers and hope for a snowstorm.
Also I couldn't access my MP3 files or find any of the music I wanted. I had the files saved on my phone, but I forgot to back them up onto a computer, and when my phone crashed, I lost all of my music. I assumed I would be able to go online and get it back, but the internet at our house was not cooperating.
Not to mention, it was a highly stressful week at work, and I was sidelined with illness on Wednesday. All I wanted to do was sleep, not prepare to humiliate myself onstage, but I try to be a woman of my word, and Saturday morning I found myself in a car with two beautiful Burlesque performers and a National Slam Poet champion, on our way to Virginia, Minnesota. Never heard of it? I hadn't either.
We arrived in the picturesque little town, and I immediately started to absorb the energy of the group. Everyone was super pumped to do the show, and they welcomed me like a long lost relative. Still, my stomach was in knots over the thought of going onstage. I have been in dozens of plays, but Burlesque was undiscovered country for me. There is nothing that I fear more than failure, but what better way to get broken in than to perform in a podunk town where I don't know anyone?
After a few shots and some herbal infusion, I got into my first costume and started to get into character. I would be playing the same character throughout my three numbers, a nerdy, awkward girl who evolves into a Burlesque vixen by the final number. My heart was pounding, and I was literally shaking in my high heeled boots. I watched some of the other girls perform, and grew even more nervous. There was no way I would be able to match their skills. Plus I had not heard any of the music the director chose for me so I would be improvising on the spot. Acting skills don't fail me now.
The show started full speed ahead, and before I could catch my breath it was my turn. I had two choices, I could either run screaming and crying from the bar, or I could suck up my nerves, and go for it. Being the gutsy bitch that I am, I went for it. The crowd was going crazy, screaming, cat calls, throwing money in the tip bucket. Their excitement and energy combined with that of the other performers, fueled me, and I shook what my momma gave me.
It was one of the best nights I have had in months. There is nothing more cathartic than getting onstage and going for it, losing yourself in a character, letting it flow from every part of your body. I was lucky to have such a great crowd for my first show. Everyone in town was so welcoming and accomodating, and the performers in Bawdy Blue are top notch.
Burlesque celebrates women like very few other art forms. You don't have to look like the average, tanorexic stripper. The women I shared the stage with were all drop dead gorgeous, and comfortable in their own skin. We were all different sizes and body types, but the key is owning who you are. It was impressive that the women in the audience were enjoying the show as much as the men, but then again, girls do love boobies.
I am still coming down from the high and nursing a bit of a hangover, but I couldn't have asked for a better experience when losing my Burlesque virginity. I have always believed that the only way to conquer fear is to walk through it, easier said than done most times. As a performer, I always want to grow and stretch myself, and last night, I did. Thank you to the lovely people in Virgina, Mn for being so welcoming, and to all of the amazing people I shared the stage with. Bawdy Blue, I am so in love with you, I am going to get your name tattooed on my face.

Swan's Song: Review of Black Swan

I am the biggest movie snob in the world. Most films that the majority of the population seems to love, I can't stand. I refuse to watch "Avatar", anything with Meg Ryan, and I was not all that impressed with "Juno", especially since I work with teen moms everyday. So when I kept hearing all of the hype about the film, "Black Swan", I was skeptical. I assumed it was another sappy, chick flick involving Natalie Portman choosing between two men. I was pleasantly surprised.
The film grabbed me by the balls right away. Ok, so I don't have balls, but ovaries just doesn't sound quite as fun. From the first scene to the last, I was on the edge of my seat, and a few times I almost wet myself. Not only was the acting superb, the camera work visually stunning, but the story took enough twists and turns to satisfy a teenaged roller coaster junkie.
I have always been a fan of Portman, just not necessarily of all of her work. She stole my heart in "Beautiful Girls", and she still has it. If there is any actress in this day and age who could coast by on looks alone, it's Portman with her doe eyes and timeless elegance. She possesses the poise and grace of an Audrey Hepburn, and the way she uses her eyes on camera is amazing. I was absoultely blown away by her in "Black Swan."
The film exhibited absoultely flawless casting from Mila Kunis as a sassy, sexy ballerina to Barbara Hershey as a crazed stage mother, and let's not forget Winona Ryder, who displays some of her best acting yet in an unforgettable cameo. If this film does not garner any award nominations for its actors, I will boycott all of the award shows, and the dreamlike sex scene between Kunis and Portman was hotter than any porno I've ever seen, and I have seen two.
Do yourself a favor, and go see this film. It is a little on the dark side, and I am sure there are some out there who will not enjoy it, but those people obviously have terrible taste in films.

So This is The New Year

Happy 2011!! A new decade is upon us!!!! This is the year that everything will fall into place. Life will be rich and meaningful, and it will beat the shit out of the last ten years. I know this is true because Confuscious put it in my fortune cookie when I ordered from Great Dragon the other night. Happy New Year to the six people who read my blog. Here's a lovely quote from Mark Twain my friend, Zach shared with me this morning:
" New Year's Day? Now is the accepted time to make your annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."
In light of that here are a few of mine for the year:
-Write and blog everyday
-Keep exercising and eating healthy
-Travel, finally go to Asia
-Make the much talked about move to NYC
-Possibly go on a date with someone who is not a mutant
-Produce my web series
-Love myself and others more
-Volunteer more
-More tattoos
Happy 2011!! New Year, New Possibilities